I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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