Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
