I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
