I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
