I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
