I wish I only lived at night.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
