she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
