Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
