So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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