I met the friendliest cop last night
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
