So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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