There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
