I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
