he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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