I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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