I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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