i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
pop tarts are not kleenex
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
