sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
