I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
