Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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