how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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