this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
