shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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