I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
