he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
