my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Who wears a wallet chain?!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
