The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
