wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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