Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Life is so much better after having sex.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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