I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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