P.S. I can't hear my feet
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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