Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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