I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
