if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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