I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
