I'm eating all of the evidence.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
