Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
