I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
