if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
