NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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