I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
