Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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