there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
