So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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