Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
