If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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