The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
