he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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