I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
