I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
